Every once in a while the entertainment industry finds a gem of an acting prodigy. I believe that I have been lucky enough to discover the latest catress to fit that criteria.

Now, modesty forbids me to go on ( . . . and on . . .) about the excellent writing of this week’s play (but Holy Moly . . . it’s good!). Yet, right from the auditioning process to the hiring, this young starlet impressed me with her spunk, vitality and ebullience for the craft of acting.

It is my great pleasure to introduce to you, for those who may not know her, the extremely talented, Doris. (Who, quite frankly, steals this show). I must meow, Magic has divine taste in kitties!

Please, enjoy the play which I call . . . ‘Two GentleToms Of UpperThong (Yorkshire)’

Two GentleToms Of UpperThong (Yorkshire)

Act I - Scene I


Magic and his girlfriend, Doris, are at her home.


Magic: Oh woe, my tender love . . . Mine Mummy hath demanded 
      I follow yon Tibbs to seek thy fortune in Lower Thong!


Doris: Oh, Magic, say tis not so?


Magic: Alas, lass . . . It be thee truth.  I begrudgingly
      must obey and visit thy Duke of Sundance.  He be quite
      the Dude.


Doris: Aye and thine daughter of his be very pretty.  Wilt 
      thou fall in love and spurn thy love for me?


Magic: Nay, my love!!!  Ne’er will I forsake thee. Take this
      ring as a promise of thine undying love.


Doris: Oh, Magic . . . Tis a beautiful token of thy love.  I 
      shall wear it forever.

Act I - Scene II


At the Duke’s palace.  Magic arrives to find his best furriend, Tibbs, present.  The two gentletom’s hug.


Tibbs: Tis good to see thee, lad.  How comest thou to be 
      here?


Magic: Thy Mummy heard of thine acquiréd fortune and sent me
      to duplicate thy quest.


Tibbs: Indeed . . . Doest thou think tis simple to amass yon 
      mountain of treats?


Magic: Not simple, no . . . Yet, not impossible.


Tibbs: Meowing of impossible . . . How be thee lovely Doris?


Magic: She be well.  Forsooth, we are, by way of being 
      engagéd.


Tibbs: Zounds!!!   I, also, hath found love here in Lower 
      Thong!


Enter Cleo.


Magic: Yaki Dah . . . Who is this vision of loveliness?


Tibbs: That, young sirrah . . . Be thee kitty to which I 
      hath pledged mine troth.


Magic: Surely not!  She be thee most exquisite creature 
      thine hath set mine eyes upon.


Tibbs: What ho . . . ?  Hast thou forgotten thy fiancée, 
      Doris, already?


Magic: Who?


Cleo joins them.


Cleo: Yon virile, ebony Tom . . .


Magic:  At your service, my Lady.


Tibbs: She meant me, young viper!  What tis’t, yon Babes?


Cleo: Thy father hath set a date for thy marriage.


Magic (dejected) Felicitations to ye both.


Tibbs: Young dolt!  The Duke importunes, Cleo marry a
      ruffian by thee name of Rocky!


Magic: And yon mistress ist not amenable?


Tibbs: Of course not!


Cleo: I wouldst sooner be taken prisoner than wed such an 
     ogre!


Tibbs and Cleo kiss.


Act I - Scene III


Magic is brought in to see the Duke.  Rocky is present.


Duke: If it please ye, Rocky . . . I charge ye with full 
     authority to capture yon outlaws.  Mine land be full of 
     villains.  They be too powerful and cunning.  It be 
     as if they knowest mine every move.


Rocky: I shall take yon rogues to task, your Grace.


Rocky exits.  Magic steps forward.


Duke: Thou be yon young pup of Upper Thong?


Magic: Aye, your Grace.


Duke: . . . Comest thou to Lower Thong to make
     thy fortune?


Magic: As my furriend, Tibbs, hath done!


Duke: That duffer!  That bumbling lunkhead!!  That half-wit
     doth get on thine nerves!!!


Magic: Oh . . . Ah . . .


Duke: Me hopes thou hath yon better brain than that . . . 
     lovesick philanderer!


Magic: He plans to elope with yon daughter.


Duke: Egad!! What thee floof?!!! Hades shalt turn frosty 
     before yon offspring hie thy way to Gretna Green!

Act II - Scene I


Doris is at home with her maid, Shelby.


Shelby: A message from yon squire.


Doris: My Magic!!!


Doris open and reads the letter.


Doris: Thee cur!  Thy false popinjay!!


Shelby: What tis’t, my lady?


Doris: Thy amorous rascal hath broken our engagement!  He 
      claims a love for thy Duke’s daughter!


Shelby: Have his bits taken, my lady.  He deserves no less.


Doris: I shall go to Lower Thong, find the young cad and 
      give him ‘what for’!


Shelby: Hurrah!

Act II - Scene II


Doris dressed as a lad meets up with a band of outlaws.  Rocky is in charge of the group of pillagers, including, Teddy, Pumpkin and Sanderson.


Rocky: Lads, ye have yon errand.  We seize thy Lady Cleo and 
      ransom thy Lady back to thee Duke.


Teddy: Why be we doing this?


Pumpkin: Are thee not her intended?


Sanderson: Tis a fun folly!


Doris: I be new to thy band of outlaws, can thee explain?


Rocky: Well, young witling . . . I must bargain for thee
      Lady, if I am to marry her and keep her in thee
      luxury with which she be accustomed.


Doris: Huh?


Rocky: No matter!  Do as thy ist told!  Come lads . . .
      thee prize awaits!


Act II - Scene III


Later that night.  The outlaws and Doris bring Cleo to their clearing.  Rocky wears a disguise to cover his face.


Rocky: We shall see how found yon father is of ye, my 
      Lady.  We shall dicker with thy pater for thy safe 
      return. New lad, watch thy lady closely.


Doris nears Cleo as the others go off.


Cleo: Young sirrah, I plead with thee . . . Let me go!  I
     hath an assignation to attend.


Doris: With yon Magic?


Cleo: Who be he?  No, I be eloping with mine love, Mr. 
     Tibbs.  Do thee know yon gallivant?


Doris: Only by repute . . . I shalt help thee escape!


Doris unties Cleo.


Act III - Scene I


In the Duke’s palace.  Sundance, Tibbs, Rocky and Magic are preparing to recapture Cleo.


Tibbs: I beg of ye, your Grace . . . Allow me to help.  I 
      love Cleo more than yon treats!  I will risk all for
      her safe conduct.

Rocky: As will I! (Chuckles to himself)

Magic: I, also . . .

Duke: Will someone rid me of these outlawed buffoons and 
     rescue my daughter?  Oh, my Cleo . . . My Cleo . . . My
     Catdom for thy secure reinstatement!

Enter Doris and Cleo.

Cleo: I am restoréd, father.

Tibbs: Mine Babes!!!

Tibbs and Cleo hug.

Duke: I see that thee love thy hath for this fool be real,
     daughter.

Cleo:  Aye, tis true. It be thy great wish to marry yon 
     Tibbs.

Duke: Hmmmm . . . Who be thee valiant liberator?

Doris: That be me, your Grace.

Doris steps forward and pulls off her hat.

Magic:  Why it be Doris, my love whom wears my ring.

They hug.

Duke: What be a fair reward, young lass, for thee life of
     thine belovéd daughter.

Doris: Prithee begin by placing Rocky in thy village stocks!  
      He be the leader of yon varlets.

Rocky runs but is captured by the Yeoman guards.

Doris: Now, allow Cleopatra to marry yon Tibbs . . . And 
      make it a double ceremony betwixt them and Magic and
      myself.

Duke: Done!

As I have meowed, this Doris is not only a beauty . . . she is full to the brim with brains! If she does not receive a Tony Award nomination, I shall be flummoxed! All the cators, Magic, Cleopatra, Shelby and the Dude, did a fabulous job. Even Rocky played a convincing villain! And I . . . Well, I humbly take a well deserved bow!

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